May 2, 2005
Prior to seating myself, I attempted to joke with the lab tech.
"This must be the bad news room!"
She made no comment, but smiled wanly and exited.

As the ultrasound tech shut the door behind her, I quickly took in my new surroundings. The room was smallish, decorated in the style I refer to as "institutional". A dark cherry table with four chairs was squeezed in, as if someone in a staff meeting had suggested seating for more than two people. A matching cherry credenza held a TV, several brochures, and a vase of flowers. The stark walls offered large, tasteless, pastel renderings of someone's vision of calming artwork. A bowl of candy and a box of tissues sat in front of me on the table.

Definitely the bad news room. My mind raced with the possibilities of the unsaid.

The door opened with a burst of energy. A petite woman introduced herself as Dr. D, the radiologist. Dr. D had short blondish hair and a look of fierce determination. She wore simple blue scrubs and sat next to me. I instantly liked her. She got right down to business.
"I don't like what I see." Her tone was serious, this was not for the faint of heart.
"I have breast cancer?"
She nodded and met my gaze.
"Am I going to lose my hair?"
"Yes."
"Am I going to have mastectomy?"
"Yes."
"Did we catch it early?"
"No."
"I think I am in shock."
"Yes."
The conversation progressed and concluded. I was ushered out the side door and managed to reach my car. Until that point, I did not cry, I did not scream. I was stonefaced and steely. Later, I would look back with great appreciation for Dr. D's honesty. She told it like it was.

My fingers shook as I lit a cigarette. I inhaled deeply, silently praying that I would wake up in my bed. No dice. Moments passed in silence and I reached for my cell.

I dialed my parents work number and gave them the news. Somehow, I managed to drive. As I barreled down the interstate, I told my best friend, Kim, and my boyfriend, Garrett.

Somehow, I made it home without incident. I slipped into sweats and a t-shirt and collapsed on the couch.